Uncharted: Fight For Fortune Announced. Is Card Game. Yup.

I don't know about you, but when I think "cinematic, award-winning action game" I think "I wish I could enjoy this without all that pesky cinematic, award-winning action getting in the way!" Well now you can! With Uncharted: Fight For Fortune you not only do you FINALLY get to play with that Vita that was so handily keeping your door propped open/table de-wobblified, but you also get to look at yourself in the mirror and despise the lifeless reflection staring back at you just that much more, for having bought whatever the fuck this is.

I don't know how it'll play, I don't know what kind of card game it'll be, I don't care how competently made it ends up being, all I know is that some cunt somwhere will try to defend it on a podcast, and I'll have to sit there and listen to them use the word "actually" like a billion times:

"Actually it's not that bad"
"It actually has some quite interesting mechanics"
"It's actually got quite a bit of depth"
"Actually, it's not a stinking pile of shit!"

Eurgh.

I'm not kidding. This exists. Seriously.

THAT GTA V Trailer

No sooner had I posted a news story in which I stated that I don't really get excited for Grand Theft Auto games, than this trailer comes along and BLOWS MY FREAKING MIND! Holy fuck I wanna play this so bad it actually hurts my balls!

I swear, you'll never see anything like this again! So watch it! Drink it in!

Starcraft 2: Heart Of The Swarm Release Date Confirmed

The 2nd entry in the promised Starcraft 2 trilogy finally has a release date, set as March 12th 2013. The game will be available both digitally, and in shops, for the sarcastically low-low price of THIRTY THREE MOTHERFUCKING POUNDS! I know I shouldn't be surprised by the price of games nowadays, but £32.99 for what is essentially an expansion, and a flawed one at that if the joke of a beta is anything to go by. The beta is one of the most unbalanced things I've ever witnessed being developed; units have been changed to the point of unrecognisability since the start of the beta; units have been completely removed from the game after being deemed unbalancable, and one unit in particular, the Oracle, has had it's abilities changed so many time you wonder if it's even woth the fucking effort on Blizzard's part.

Honestly, I can't see myself buying this. The multiplayer is already about as balanced as it's going to get in Wings Of Liberty, and tournaments based around Heart Of The Swarm's multiplayer seem like a fucking accident waiting to happen. Combine that with the fact that the story in starcraft is a giant load of horse shit (along with every other Blizzard game) and you have a nicely saved £30, fresh to be used on a half-blowjob; couple of buckets of chicken; or Hotline Miami, FTL, Mark Of The Ninja and Dust: An Elysian Tale... I know which of those options I'm going with!

£33 to spend some quality time with this little lady?... Maybe spend that money elsewhere.

Halo 4 Was 2012's Biggest Entertainment Launch

Ofcourse with Black Ops 2 out today, this news story is about as moot as a news story could possibly be, but the story does bring some interesting stuff along with it. First of all, "biggest entertainment launch" means the game beat The Avengers, which is fucking ridiculous, but an interesting statistic is that even with the huge launch, the game still sold less in its first week than both Halo 3 and Halo: Reach. I'm sure the game will still be seen in the history books as doing fantastically well, but it definitely shows a little bit of Halo fatigue setting in, even if only in the early stages. Anyway, all of this is irrelevant, as a Call Of Duty game launched today, so prepare to see all the sales records for all the things be destoryed by Black Ops 2 like clockwork.

"That's right, take it all off baby, you do WANT to be famous, don't you?..."

GTA V To Have 3 Main Characters

Here's the thing... I play GTA games to fuck about. I've tried not playing them that way, I've tried taking in the story and really involving myself in the world, and fuck does it get boring. The games aren't fun to play, they're fun to watch someone else play. Me and my mates sit down and we take it in turns to get as many wanted stars as we can and we see who can be the most entertaining while having a laugh. We steal ridiculous cars, we get creative with the cheats we use in our runs, we try to be as cheeky as we can with the police or the army, we go to the airport and steal a plane and fly it under bridges and we generally fuck about. It's more fun in GTA because the game is taking itself so seriously, it's like it doesn't want you to be fucking around ("get back here you damn whipper snappers!") and that just makes it all the more fun to fuck around.

...It just dawned on me that none of this is news. Alright, erm... More to come in this month's Game Informer!

Say hello to Trevor, Franklin and Michael in order. You'll be hearing a lot more about them in the coming weeks.

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Mass Effect 3 'Omega' DLC On't Way

Not too much to say about this, as good faith for Mass Effect 3 is at an all-time low at this point in humanity's history, but the upcoming 'Omega' DLC for the game will take place upon Omega, one of the main areas of the perfect Mass Effect 2. Players will take Shepard (and only Shepard), as he teams up with Aria T'Loak and Nyreen Kandros, a female Turian mercenary leader, as the 3 of you battle to retake Omega from the grubby hands of Cerberus.

It probably says as much about me as it does about the Mass Effect franchise that the only legitimately exciting thing thing to me about this is seeing a female Turian for myself, but we'll put that aside for now. Bioware have said that neither of the lasses will be "knobable" but that players will make choices to raise either their Paragon or Renegade like always, and that you can properly piss off Aria if you want. Frankly, this is far too removed from the fuck-storm that Mass Effect 3 caused. It almost seems like a waste of time even making the thing, but hey, Carrie Anne Moss has gotta work, those Matrix cheques have gotta dry up sometime.

Oh shit! That Turian is female as fuck!... Shepard would totally hit that. He'd demolish it.

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Star Wars: The Old Republic Going Free-to-Play On November 15th

This change was spoken about a while ago, but not much has dropped about it recently. Well it turns out we are less than a week away from levelling up our very own Jedi or Sith while other people do the same on the same server as you at the same time!

While it's been a little while since an MMO has even crossed my mind (Guild Wars 2 burned me real bad!) the thought of a free one in which I can wield a Lightsaber is obviously an enticing prospect no matter how you look at it. There are some restrictions placed upon free users, like only having 3 playable races (Humans, Zabrak and Cyborgs - no Twii-lek's for you!); a limited number of space missions/warzones for players each week; a smaller inventory and longer quick travel cooldowns.

While the restrictions seem ever-so-slightly too harsh for my liking, it's still a great prospect for cheap cunts such as myself, and worth atleast a pity try, surely. Surely...

This is an MMO-ass looking MMO!

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Diablo 3 Expansion Is A Thing That's Happening... Eventually

In less than shocking news, Mike Morhaime of Blizzard revealed in a recent investor call, that a Diablo 3 expansion was indeed on the way but gave absolutely no hints as to when it'll even be close to ready.

"So we do have an expansion planned for Diablo. I don't have any timeline to talk about. I think that the most important thing for us always comes down to the quality of the expansion and the gameplay, and so that will be a big factor in terms of driving our schedule."

I guess it's pointless for Blizzard to even try and fight their own stereotype, but the whole "it'll be ready when it's ready" thing gets a little tiresome after a while. That being said though, I'm all over this when it drops. ALL over it!

Diablo 3 is awesome, but the more content they release for that game the better, it's pretty lacking as it is.

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GTA V Coming In your Face This Spring

I think she does a better job of saying it than I ever could.

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Lots Of Exciting Sleeping Dogs DLC On The Way

One of the best games I've played this year is Sleeping Dogs. Combining solid combat, strong storytelling and shitloads of atmosphere it came out of nowhere and I suspect you'll be hearing a lot about it come the various game of the year discussions at the end of the year. What's refereshing about the game, is that the team behind have really embraced the almost cult-like reaction the game has had, especially with their new Nightmare At North Point DLC which is a send-up of cheesy 70s asian horror movies. They've revealed that their future DLCs for the game will be decided upon by the fans, which is either genius, or incredibly stupid, and either way I love it.

Dan Sochan, Producer at United Front had the following to say regarding the process:

"We recently had a poll on the Sleeping Dogs website to help decide one of our future DLC packs. The community voted and we listened - that's the most satisfying way to make games. Whether it's outfits from ancient Chinese lore, racing in boats or beating up on hopping Chinese vampires - it needed to feel fresh to the player, as well as be exciting for us to work on.

We didn't start on DLC until the main version of the game had shipped so that we could get all of the polish in we could - which is critical when launching a new IP. So once Sleeping Dogs was out the door, we were able to brainstorm and think outside the main story to create some unique DLC ideas; gameplay situations that the player couldn't experience in the main campaign."

I dunno about you, but something tells me we're in for some cool shit in the months to come from Sleeping Dogs. Can't wait!

If you've not experienced Sleeping Dogs for yourself, then ask Santa Clause for it for Christmas!

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